I’m trying to describe my computer problem to Ken (not his real name; he didn’t ask to be in my blog), the guy who solves all my computer problems.
Me: “I’m in Spain, Ken. I need a new laptop because mine is starting to freeze up. And my charger quit working last week – it actually frayed! You could see the wires sticking out of the cord. Anyway I got a new charger here, so it has a Spanish plug. I looked for a new laptop while I was at the shop but of course they all have Spanish keyboards. I’ll be back in the US next week – “
Ken: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Me: “It’s necessary backstory! You’re as bad as my editor. Just listen for a minute.”
Ken: “When do we get to the part where I learn why you called?”
Me: “I called you because everything on my old laptop needs to be moved to the new laptop. But, see, now my old laptop isn’t charging right even with my new charger. It must be the charging port. I have to put the laptop on a flat surface and stick a pen under the cord so that the plug enters the port at just the right angle -“
Ken: “I bill in fifteen minute increments, you know.”
Me: “If my problem were simple I wouldn’t need you. See, I know that transferring the data using your program takes a while and I’m worried about what will happen when the battery runs out. The charger has a Spanish plug! It won’t work in the US. I guess I have to get another new charger for the old laptop, one with a US plug. Of course I actually have to buy a laptop, too. I mean a new laptop. Which will come with a US charger. Okay. I’m thinking it will take a day to accomplish that, so maybe on Saturday -“
Ken: “I’m going away this weekend.”
Me: “Really? Or just to avoid me?”
Ken: “Really.”
Me: “But I don’t get in until Thursday night. All the electronics shops will be closed! Cerrado, they say here. Esta cerrado!”
Ken: “I can schedule you for next Tuesday.”
Me: “But I must have your help before then! I have a business to run! I have so much to dooooooo!”
Ken, very kindly holding back the question Then why did you bring a malfunctioning laptop on a two-month trip to Spain?: “I can do something Friday morning. Ten a.m. is the latest slot I have.”
Me: “That’s eight a.m. in LA. Electronics shops won’t be open then, either. Wait! Wait! I know. I’ll order the laptop now and have it delivered to a friend of mine in LA! Then I’ll collect it from her Thursday night and be ready for you first thing Friday morning.”
Ken: “You’ll also need an external hard drive.”
Me: “And a US charger!”
Ken: “I’m still confused about the charger.”
Me: “You should have paid closer attention to the backstory.”
Ken: “I’m putting you down for ten my time, eight yours on Friday.”
Me: “Excellent! Now I just need to make an expensive purchase online while I’m overseas, with all three items to be delivered by Thursday to a friend in LA at a time when she will be available to sign for it. What could go wrong?”
Ken: “I’ll make that a tentative appointment.”